Catching serious air during a 2 hour guitar solo, Mr. Sam wows 90,000 +1 at sold out Wembley Stadium a few months ago. Back stage, legendary Black Sabbath guitarist Toni Iommi said it was the most honest and passionate solo he had ever witnessed, but could have been a few minutes longer. Not digging the back-handed compliment, Mr. Sam said to Iommi, “sniff my orange sack hair, nubbs.” Apparently, nubbs referred Iommi’s losing the tips of his guitar fretting fingers to a saw accident. Mr. Sam then challenged Iommi to a guitar duel. Although management for both are in talks on when and where, insiders say Iommi is terrified and will back out. The + 1 of the 90,000 was Mr. Sam’s Mama, Gert Finkelsteen. According to witnesses, she hovered with her pilot in her private helicopter above the crowd until it ran out of fuel and plummeted onto the crowd. Between the copter’s blades slicing through dozens and the final explosion, ninety-eight people perished and 49 others suffered severe injuries. Originally thought dead, Gert was found unharmed, fist fighting with security in the front row. The scuffle began over security not allowing her up on stage. “All I wanted was one crowd dive, losers!”, she bellowed. Witnesses said she jumped from the copter just before it crashed, bodies below breaking her fall. There has been no comment from lawyers for the victims. Miss Finkelsteen’s attorney, Fred Bernstein, said his client is innocent of any intentional wrong-doing. Cameras in her face after the concert, Gert herself had this to say: “Aw, quit yer whinin.’ We all gotta go someday, and what better way than while rocking yer tits off at a Stools show?” Scroll down to meet Gert.

Black Sabbath concert, 1971

Having been subjected to the last thirty years of Hollywood tripe, Mr. Sam is exposed to Orson Welles’ masterpiece. Mr. Sam was changed forever, his subsequent art maturing overnight and ascending to epic heights. The experience so moved him, he created his own movie review show.

An annual event in Ireland, The McBadass Spaghetti Cook-off for Irish/Italian/Norse/Inuit folks attracts over two million spaghetti-crazed attendees. Mr. Sam competed with the world’s best spaghetti cooks and came out victorious for the third straight year. So popular are he and his secret sauce, a commercial version of it is in final stages of development. Look to your grocer shelves in the next three months. Inside each jar of Mr. Sam’s Secret Spaghetti Sauce is a Mr. Sam key chain figurine. As a bonus, see if your jar harbors one of just six backstage passes to a future Mr. Sam and The Assholicus Maximus show. So don’t throw out that bottle without peeking inside!